pynxei15 (pynxei15) wrote,
pynxei15
pynxei15

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Golden Ice

Title: Golden Ice
Pairing: SiHan
Characters: Super Junior
Rating: PG-13 (for language, mostly)
Warning/Disclaimer: I only own the plot. Angsty.
Summary: Siwon is gone. All he has left Hankyung is a letter, explaining why. Hangeng is grief-stricken. Why did he push Siwon away?
(A/N: Birthday fic for ryeowook4ever . Um...I hope you like it..... Sorry if it’s cheesy. I kind of rushed a bit. Sorry.)


Siwon buried his face in his hands, letting his sweat mingle with his tears. They dropped delicately onto his slightly tanned, ivory skin, traced patterns down his high cheekbones, and swirled lower, lower, until they were just a memory, the only sign of them ever having existed being shiny, wet tracks. And soon those would be dried. Siwon smiled mockingly. Wasn’t he the one who told his friends to stop crying, and to move on? It was quite ironic, really. He had been closest to Hangeng, and had not even given it a second thought when the Chinese man had left. Hell, Siwon hadn’t even said goodbye. But now, when all was said and done, he felt himself breaking down. It was as if an emotional dam inside of him was slowly cracking, withering away, piece by piece.
And he was supposed to be one of the optimists in the group. His dongsaengs, even his hyungs, looked up to him for support and confidence. They expected him to think of the glass as full, even when it was empty, even if there was no glass, even if there was nothing there at all. God, he was so fucking sick of it! He was tired, to tell the truth. He was tired of living his life, knowing that day by day, his heart was growing colder, his mind growing distant. Siwon had thought about...it...before, he just never thought that he would actually follow through on his consideration.
Sighing, trying not to let the sobs overtake him, Siwon walked to the corner of his bedroom, picked up a blue pen and twelve sheets of paper, and began to write. He knew that the time had come.
* * *
Hangeng had almost cried when he found out. He was so close, but then he stopped himself. Siwon had been virtually nothing to him...Right? They had been friends, of course. You can’t just not be friends with your roommate. Sure, they had been through a lot; Siwon’s shoulder had been the one that Hangeng had cried on when his relationship with Heechul had ended. Hangeng had comforted Siwon, assuring him that he was beautiful, that there were absolutely no flaws present whatsoever when Siwon’s insecurities got the better of him. Yes, they had done fanservice, and yes...they had been more than friends for a while. But everything had changed when Geng had filed a lawsuit against SM Entertainment, and had left, gone back home, to China. He remembered the airport; Ryeowook, Leeteuk, Heechul, and Sungmin had been sobbing hysterically. Kibum, Kangin, Yesung, and Shindong had given him pained smiles. Kyuhyun, Eunhyuk, and Donghae had tears streaming incessantly down their faces. And then there was Siwon. He had showed no sign of sadness, nothing, and had just stared at Hangeng wordlessly, a sense of betrayal in his eyes.
Then, after maybe one phone call, the pair had cut off communications with each other. It was better to pretend that they shared nothing than to actually embrace their connection and feel the pain of not being together. It felt as though life would be so much better without Siwon. Plus, he knew that Siwon would never forgive him. For Hangeng leaving Korea, for leaving Super Junior, for leaving him. For forgetting their love and passion and devotion to each other and starting off on a new, blank page. For moving on. And to Geng, Siwon always brought a tidal wave of emotions. He made everything so unstable...and Hangeng kind of hated him for that. But he hadn’t done anything wrong, he had only left to start a better life. So why did Geng feel so guilty?

When his cellphone had started to ring, Hankyung, as Korean fans used to call him, checked the caller ID. When he saw who was calling, a weird emotion started to rise. It was a bubbly feeling, tinged with a hint of anger and way too much anxiety. Clearing his throat, and dusting off his Korean quickly, Hankyung answered.
“Hello?”
“Hannie! Hannie!” Ryeowook’s voice was off. Was he sobbing? “Hankyung-hyung, it- it- it’s Siwon!” Geng’s curiosity was sparked. What happened to Siwon?
“Ryeowook, what’s up?” he wondered. The sound of the phone being snatched away was clearly audible, and Hankyung sighed.
“Hey, Hangeng.” It was Kibum.
“Kibum? How are you guys? What’s going on?”
“Oh, well, we could be better, I guess...Look, Geng. It’s um...well, it’s Siwon.” There was his name again.
“What happened, Kibum-ah?”
“Hyung...Siwon...he’s...gone...”
“Gone? Where?”
“No hyung. Siwon...he’s...dead...” Kibum’s voice trailed off into nothing.
He was shocked. Then Hangeng became paralyzed on the inside. He couldn’t feel anything. Not his body, nor mind, nor soul. He knew that Kibum had resumed speaking again, but he couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t get over Siwon being gone. Siwon couldn’t be gone. You couldn’t have a world without Siwon...right?! Hangeng began to panic. What would he do without Siwon?
He fought the urge to scream, and took a deep breath. What was Siwon to him anyway? They were nothing now. After the whole legal issue, everything they had had disappeared. It was gone.
A new voice. “And we want you to be there for the funeral, Geng.” It was Leeteuk. Surprisingly, he sounded extremely calm and collected. Hangeng felt that this was odd. Leeteuk was one of the most emotional men in the group. How could he be so soothed at this time?
All Hankyung could do was mutter an unintelligible response, and hang up. He plopped down on his worn beige couch, stunned. Siwon was gone. Forever.
* * *
“Hannie!” Hangeng smiled, chuckling slightly as Ryewook and Sungmin ran into his arms.
The whole gang had come to pick him up- well, everyone except...Hankyung shook away those thoughts, and tried to focus on the positive. It was how Siwon would live. But then, clearly Hankyung hadn’t known much about Siwon. Hadn’t known enough, to be more exact. Hadn’t taken the time to get to know Siwon more.
Apparently, Siwon had drowned himself. The body-Hangeng shuddered at the thought- had been found inside the bathtub, pale, on the verge of turning blue. Lying next to Siwon, there had been thirteen envelopes, twelve addressed to each of the members. Hankyung included. The thirteenth had simply been addressed as “All.” It had told the members not to read their envelopes before the funeral. And who wouldn’t respect a dead man’s wishes, if they were a close friend of yours? But really, what was surprising, and probably a twist of fate, was that they had actually opened that letter first. Whatever Siwon didn’t want them to see before being buried, well, he was lucky.
* * *
The black-shrouded procession moved forward, assembling a line. It was open-casket, so everyone had one last chance to say goodbye. Really, the funeral was pretty simple. The mourners only consisted of the Super Junior members and a few of their manager hyungs. Siwon’s parents hadn’t been in the picture ever since he had debuted.
Hangeng stepped forward. He was the last in line. Finally, rational thought exited his mind, and Hangeng’s love for Siwon overpowered everything. He ran his eyes over his ex-lover’s body, not in a perverted way, but more like a last, fleeting glance. He observed the face he had once loved, the closed eyes that would mask the passion and vigor of the living Siwon. Gently, Hankyung ran his finger around the curves and contours of Siwon’s lips, then caressed his cheek. Why, Siwon? Hankyung thought. Why did you do this to yourself? And finally, tears began to fall from the Chinese man’s eyes.
* * *
Hangeng stared at the plain, white envelope in his hands. To Hangeng, it read, in sloppily-written Chinese characters. Hankyung smiled, thinking about the difficulties Siwon had when learning Chinese. He sighed, then pried open the envelope with his index finger.
Inside, he found a few pages of writing. It was in Siwon’s long, loping, intricate print, and each Korean character seemed artistic. Hangeng settled on the couch, and began to read.

Dear Geng,
Well, it’s been a while, right? I’ve missed you. A lot. I’m just going to get that out there first, before I continue.
You know, I always thought that people who committed suicide were cowards. I thought that they were afraid to take life, and enjoy it. But I understand they feel now. I’ve been thinking about how to do it. You know, kill myself. Hanging? Pills? How about just cutting myself and bleeding to death?


Hangeng started to feel a bit uncomfortable. How could Siwon talk about killing himself so casually?

Look, I know what you’re thinking: What is this guy talking about? Why would he even think about killing himself?
You know, Geng, you shouldn’t be afraid to say that word. Suicide. It’s simple. Sure, it may disgust you a bit, but the world is cold.
You will find out soon enough why I chose to end my life. Just keep on reading. Don’t stop until you reach the very end. Okay? Oh, and one more thing, Hangeng? You are the only one I’m entrusting with my secrets. Please do not go about sharing them. Promise? Good.

Was this really Siwon? He seemed so cynical, yet so desperate. Hangeng was surprised.

So, let’s start with my parents. Both you and I know that I’m really religious. Wow, I really shouldn’t be using present tense. Anyway, I was born into a Protestant family. My parents were strict. When the time came for me to get a job, I think that they expected me to become some priest or something. But when I told them that I wanted to sing, my dad blew up. He forbid me to audition. I did anyway. And I became successful. That’s when I lost them.
Then, I met the members. Everyone seemed so eager to perform, so eager to share their music with the world. It was where I belonged, right? Wrong, actually. Because I expected them to understand me, to know me inside and out. Yet no one did. They thought of me as the forever optimist-slash-preacher. They all looked up to me. They all relied on me. It was so much pressure. But that’s not the main reason why I drowned myself.
You were the reason, Hangeng.
Can I begin with us being friends? Great.
As soon as I stepped into our room, and saw you unpacking your clothes, I fell for you. I admit it. You were the perfect gentleman. With you, life seemed to brighten- the sun shined more, the birds chirped longer, the fans screamed louder.
Then SM proposed that we do fanservice. They paired me up with you. I was ecstatic, even though I didn’t show it. I got to kiss you, hug you.
And then Heechul came along. But I’m going to skip over that.
So, I finally gathered up the courage to ask you out. And Geng, you said yes! Could my existence get any better? It did.
I remember our first time making love, Gengie. And I must say, you were kind of a slut.

Hangeng blushed. Then, sadness poured over the embarrassment. He was the one at fault for Siwon’s death.

But I loved you anyway. I loved you with all my being. I was devoted to you. And I thought that you were devoted to me, too. Did you really love me?
Clearly not. You left me, Hankyung. You left me here. I thought that we were in this together! I thought that this was real! Obviously, though, I was delusional.
My days after that became dull, dreary, pointless. What was life anyway, without my sun? You were my sun, Hankyung. My life revolved around you.
I didn’t let any of the members see my depression. Maybe if I had, you might have come back. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t be in this position right now. But it’s too late. Your letter is the last one that I’m writing. And after...well, you should know what I’m going to do.
Hankyung, I’m tired of life.


Hangeng was beating himself up mentally now. He was so stupid, stupid, stupid, to leave Siwon. What had he done? He had destroyed one of the only people that loved him. A sob escaped Hankyung’s closed lips, and tears soon followed suit.

I’m sick of it, Hannie. I want to leave. I want to die. That’s the truth.
I will love you forever.

~Choi Siwon~


Hangeng stumbled out of the room, out of the dorm, out into the busy streets of Seoul. The letter had been straightforward and brief, and surely there was more to the suicide than what Siwon had described. But he didn’t care. He needed Siwon again. There was too much pain without Siwon.
The streetlights were bright, and the cars were rushing onto the road, but Hangeng was ambling around like a blind man. He stepped onto the black pavement, earning warning honks from the cars. The light was green, but Hangeng didn’t notice. He needed Siwon. He had to have Siwon back.
Slowly stepping forward and turning to face the oncoming car, Hangeng smiled and closed his eyes. Life would be better, right?
All he felt was a rush of wind, and his head hitting the cement. There was a wooshing sound, and Hangeng’s soul was free to depart.
* * *
He opened his eyes to a blinding white light. Sitting up, he wondered aloud.
“Where am I?”
A familiar voice answered him, pulling him up gently, up from the ice on the ground.
“You’re nonexistent on Earth, Hankyung. That's all that I am sure of. You have passed on.” Hankyung looked up, and sure enough, there was Siwon, smiling that astonishing, heart-stopping smile. He barely noticed the radiant sun, shining down.
All Hangeng could do was stare. Tears of joy filled his eyes. They began to overflow, and Siwon wiped them away gently. Finally, Hangeng found his voice. “By the way, pabo, I love you too.”
Clasping hands tightly, swearing to never let go of each other, the couple ventured into the white mist that surrounded them. This, this was truly paradise. Hangeng was with Siwon. Siwon was with Hangeng. It was more perfect than the golden ice. 
Tags: angst, hangeng, hankyung, pg-13, sihan, siwon, super junior
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